19 out of 28 months, three out of three times, throughout the conception of two children, during two fake divorces, I was lied to. Up until now, I thought it would be impossible to tell the exact same lie three different times and still ALMOST get away with it.
Now I know different because it happened to me. I got played. I got played by the same guy three different times. At this point, I know that nothing he ever told me was the truth. He is a compulsive liar. He is a manipulator. He is deceitful. He is a cheater. He is honestly one of the most awful people I’ve ever met. It’s so crazy to say that the chief musician in the church, a “brother” in the church, the pastor’s son of THAT church, and the father of my children is someone I wish I had never met. He has been divorced from the same woman twice, yet somehow still married. Both of my children were conceived under false pretense.
I wouldn’t even feel so motivated to write this if I hadn’t been involuntary living a lie for almost 2 years. The irony of the situation is anyone associated to him (or who just doesn’t associate with me) thinks I’m the manipulator, the liar, the homewrecker, a consenting side-chick. This is false. Never have I signed up to be the second to another woman. What can I do with a married man? I mean I’m not the finest, sexiest chick in the world, but one thing I know for sure and two things I know for certain, I’m a prize. Most importantly, I’m authentic. Authenticity doesn’t show up in everyone you encounter these days. Rule #1: Never lie to kick it.
I still remember the night I met this guy. I went to a house party with my sister and her friend. I originally didn’t even want to go because I was a homebody and house parties just weren’t my thing. I actually came in town to visit a church the next morning. He introduced himself as a single man. LIE. HE had three children- all girls. LIE. I remember asking him if he’d ever been married. Response: “Yes, I HAVE.” Past-tense. FAIL. In this instance, I blame myself because that should have been my FIRST question. I guess a bare ring finger and the fail to mention his marriage held it off longer than it should have. I was so caught up in the fact that he was so active in the church that I just knew he wasn’t evil. FALSE. HE was a counterfeit.
I went through an entire pregnancy getting lie after lie revealed- That he hadn’t just been married, he IS married. By this time, my child was conceived. That he didn’t have just three kids- he had four (who he claimed wasn’t his, yet he took care of said child). I was two months pregnant here. All the way up until my 9th month of pregnancy he claimed he was in a custody/money battle with his wife in the courts. LIE. When I was 38 weeks pregnant, I had to stay overnight for observation due to our child having heart decelerations, he didn’t show up at the hospital and when I tried to contact him the next morning, he had turned his phone off. The next day I found out from his wife that he was still actively married and they were NOT pursuing divorce-EVER. One week later, I gave birth to my first child. Five days later, I had to reach out to him because obviously he wasn’t interested in making contact to see his son. This was August.
Fast forward to July 4th the next year, I had forgiven the liar, the cheat, the heartbreaker, the manipulator, the guy who missed the birth of our son- my first child, my first childbirth experience, and we had been back on for about 6 months. He was officially divorced and the baby and I were going down to meet the immediate and extended family. So I thought. LIE. He had a bad habit of breaking plans and shooting excuses but see what he didn’t know was I wasn’t having it on this day. My hopes were up. I was excited for a while about this upcoming meet and greet. I just knew that if it didn’t exist, he wasn’t serious. Long story short, he was STILL married and the child he claimed wasn’t biologically his- WAS. That came straight from his mother’s mouth. What a day.
Fast forward to mid-November. He said he had miserably missed my presence and anything that he had to do to prove to me that he was genuine, he would. He wanted him, our son, and me to be a family. He and his wife had tried to make it work again, but after a couple of months they decided to call it quits to not be unhappy with each other. They were getting a divorce-AGAIN- for the 3rd time. A couple of weeks later, our second child was conceived. He claimed to be living alone in the marital home. She was staying with her mother. LIE. In February, I finally received a copy of divorce papers in my text messages. Yesterday, I spoke directly to his ex-wife for the first time. This is something I had been wanting to do for a long time, but it never happened. She admitted to me that she had been thinking it was me due to the things he was telling her. Apparently, I was crazy about him, knew he was married, and still couldn’t leave him alone. LIE. She also clarified that they weren’t divorced, neither of them had never filed for a divorce, and they both reside in the same place. She was his wife. FAKE DIVORCE PAPERS.
It’s been over 24 hours and I still haven’t shed one tear. My heart won’t allow it. I’m not sad. I’m disappointed. I’m disappointed in myself. One hurt should have been enough, three was just torture. I don’t know if I will cry but I am numb to this situation right now. I’m spending more time trying to cast this guy out of my mind and my life. I honestly wish he didn’t father my children. What will their father teach them? How to lie? How to connive? Will he teach my son to cheat on his wife, make outside babies and manipulate women?
I will leave this all here. A lot of small, delicate details are left out for later. The moral of the story is, DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAS NOT BEEN PROVEN. Even from the top, bottom, or sides of the church, get to the bottom of everything. If he/she isn’t willing to share his/her past and present with you openly, consider it an audit point until they clear it up. Know your worth. Do not ignore what GOD is trying to reveal to you! He allowed some things to happen to me because I wasn’t obedient to His word. He already showed me who this person was. Not once, not twice, but three times. He did His part. I didn’t do mine.
BUT…
Here’s what I plan to do if it’s God’s will: I plan to give birth to a healthy, happy baby in 23 weeks. I plan to work on strengthening my relationship in Christ, build my businesses, raise my children, and get in position for my God-given assignment. There is purpose behind my testimony. I’m thankful in spite of. I’m living in my conviction. I’m moving forward with God leading the way.
Until Next Time…
-Alex