We’re adjusting.

One thing that I thank God for is His power to make things happen if we keep our faith and our walk with Him RIGHT.

With about six weeks left of pregnancy, life is definitely looking up. It’s not the best, but it’s the best “start over.” My son is still the happiest, spoiled rotten little boy I know. He is currently having a blast of a good time at his dad’s house. I’m sure his little heart could just burst with joy right now.

On another note:

Just this past week, I became 100% okay with being a single mother for as long as it takes a God-fearing, hard-working, trustworthy, independent, honest, dependable, consistent, even-tempered, gentle, focused, ambitious man to find his way to me.

I truly became okay with waiting on my better half. I like to contribute this new found patience to my current, last, and partner-less pregnancy.

Had all that has happened, happened with no baby in my tummy, I may have repeated my cycle- Finding contentment in a counterfeit: A fake. One who doesn’t practice what he preaches. One who says what’s needed in order to get what he wants. One who has no true good intention for his place in your life, he just sees opportunity. He will “act” until he gets comfortable enough around you to let the real him start to come through.

See, by then, as fast I seem to fall “in love” *side-eye*- I’m overlooking red-flags he’s throwing out. Then, I’m making excuses for his lack of work-ethic and his inconsistency. Next, I’m allowing him to reap benefits that should only go to my husband.

So really, there is a triple blessing that comes with this pregnancy:

1. The upcoming arrival of my beautiful, healthy, happy, baby girl Laila… Honestly, four months ago, I though to myself, “What were you thinking? Now, look at you- single, pregnant, about to have two babies! You just settled for less because you wanted to move at your own pace.” I basically beat myself up for months. Although, I wouldn’t dare bring harm to my baby, I wished I weren’t pregnant while I was dealing with my deepest hurt. Some days I didn’t want my baby because now, like her brother, she isn’t born into a family. I felt she deserved a mother who made better decisions. Then I realized, that my greatest decision was fighting through the pain so that I was able to keep her. God knew I needed her. I won the toughest battle ive ever had to face. Now, I can’t imagine life without her and I can’t wait to meet her. Looking into her face everyday, I’ll say to myself “She’s my little warrior baby. She helped Mommy fight.”
2. The inability to drink my feelings away with wine… A lot of times, we don’t process pain. We suppress it. We aren’t truly dealing with what’s broken within us. At no time was the voice of alcohol able to talk in my ear. All I could do was pray in Jesus’ name. I’m so thankful for this because it has elevated my spirituality in a major way. It has grown my patience. It has magnified my faith.
3. My ability to see my worth… I was given a set of new eyes. When I look in the mirror, I see a Queen. I see that I deserve more than even my mind could imagine. I realized that I was taking my crown off to succumb to the mediocre lifestyles of those who didn’t deserve the Queen in me. Instead of them rising up, I came down willingly… No more! Never again.

I lost A LOT with this last attempt at love. I also gained way more than I could’ve ever imagined in Christ with it being a complete disaster: My Identity.

I thank God that He keeps his promises…Giving us beauty for our ashes, never leaving more forsaking us, giving us double for our trouble (my two living babies), and never taking from us without giving us something better.

“To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord , that He may be glorified.” Isaiah 61:3
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6

“Instead of your shame you  shall  have double honor, And instead  of confusion they shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double; Everlasting joy shall be theirs.” Isaiah 61:7

Until Next Time…

-Alex