Every year, around this time, I reflect.
November holds the date of the day my divorce was finalized and the night I met the man who fathers my children.
Both are so significant.
When I think of November, I think of the word “cold.” No matter the current temp outside, I don’t feel warm. I feel like I need an extra layer. I feel like I need extra protection. I feel like I need warmth.
I can’t help but flashback to the beginning of the rest of my life. The past few years I’ve looked back and I’ve gotten sad all over again asking myself questions about the father of my children like “Why me? Why did he talk to me? Why did he lie to me? Why?”
This year I’m thinking to myself, “I wish I had stayed married.”
I’m shifting. I’m no longer placing blame on what I ALLOWED to happen in my past.
These past few years have aged me so much…not in the physical, but definitely spiritually and mentally.
Here I was married to a man who LOVED me. He wanted me to be his wife. He wanted me to mother his children. He wanted to come home to me everyday. He took pride in gifting me and showing me off. Fast forward through quite a few repetitive arguments later…I wanted out. I was tired.
Ok, so he was flawed in his attitude at times. Like me.
So he was selfish at times. Like me.
So he was doubtful at times. Like me.
Little did I know that I would be running into someone that would make me eat every thought of me being better off in the world without my husband. I literally met someone who was everything my husband WAS NOT- disloyal, dishonest, a cheater, a liar, not a stand-up, he was a person who hid me, who hurt me beyond repair, and was not/is not worthy of my love.
I was blind by the “church thing” when I met the father of my babies. You know, If he is a faithful servant to God, most definitely he is out here treating people right. Right?
Wrong.
Four years later, I miss having my partner, my confidant, my best friend, my party-mate. I miss who had MY back…even when my back was up against the wall…even when times were bad…even when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
Any single or together person who knows me can tell you a few facts about my views on marriage/relationships (based on experience):
- I am PRO-MARRIAGE.
- Marriage is a serious commitment. Don’t take it lightly. Act accordingly.
- Work it out. Some things aren’t worth the headache, however every situation is different. If you aren’t questioning loyalty and/or fidelity… explore counseling- not divorce.
Fall in love. Get married. Have children…in that order if you can help it. But if that isn’t your order (it wasn’t my order either), you will get all three steps eventually. It’s coming. It’s happening. Stay optimistic. Stay prayerful. Most importantly, hold yourself accountable for your OWN actions…then forgive yourself.
Until Next Time…
-Alex
