Ugh. The stress.

It’s the stress CAUSED from the trauma!

I can’t tell you how much I stress. But, why? I’m prayerful, I’m a good-doer with the best intentions, I sacrifice to ensure my kids get the BEST of life possible, although they live in a one-parent household w/o a hand out. I’m not just over here “baby-sitting”…I’m providing, I’m protecting, I’m raising them up and teaching them right from wrong.

I can not tell you how exhausted I feel, week to week.

The mere pressure that you feel to at least speak to your loved ones in between getting children ready for school while preparing for whichever day of your 50+ hr work week…While ensuring that your household is clean and tidy and with it’s necessary essentials…While trying to rest your body as well as rest the most important component of your being…your mind.

I can not tell you how I battle with not being so angry with MYSELF.

To think to yourself that the stress that you have was created by just you, but all you were trying to do was not be so closed off after betrayal, not be so afraid after trauma, or so hopeless after heartbreak….

I’m aware of my triggers:

• Anytime I have to defend my character. (There is a stigma that a woman can’t have a backbone, be beautiful, smart, spiritual, hard-working, God-fearing, and just A GOOD PERSON, period.)
• Anytime I have to REMIND people that for 12 days straight (before my kids have their weekend with their father again) I do what most don’t/won’t. I’m tired. Let me make my own decisions on how I spend my free time. I’ve earned the right.
• Anytime I just NEED A BREAK. God knows, God knows how much I wish I had a good, solid village to lighten the mental stress/tiredness that I carry.
• ANYTIME I THINK OF HOW I GOT HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE…the real culprit. The remembrance of the “trauma”. Just having to relive the mistakes you made in one season every day and not know if/when the feeling will ever go away.

I can not tell you how self-deprived I feel, day to day.

I’m outnumbered by two because I still need to be able to give myself some of myself, too. At this point in my life, I’m just grateful to be able to keep my necessary maintenance and have a glass of wine in bed after my kids have gone to sleep at night. Everyday seems as if I’m not working, I’m actively mothering. However, I have to make up for the fact that my children still expect (and deserve) to have attention daily from those who love them the most.

I wish I could change past things daily, but my spirit keeps me looking in the right direction. I have my sad moments, meltdowns, temper flares, and shutdowns. I just still believe that it will get better. It has to get better.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to rise early in the morning, I’ll continue to awake my kids to prep them for a great day, I’ll continue to go make my money and make plans to build my future…while fighting, gracefully, to stay of sound mind and spirit.

If you can understand any of what I’ve just written, then you get it and/or you can relate. Keep your head up! There is a prayer attached to this particular piece. God bless.❤

“I promise, it gets better from here.” -The Book About Nothing.

Until Next Time…

-Alex