Originally, I had every intention to write about my feelings on the current status of my world right now. Almost three hours ago, I sat my bible on my bed. For me, sitting it on my bed solidifies my plans to dig in. I cant put it back on the dresser until I’ve held it shut, closed my eyes, and flipped until I feel like God has said, “Ok, Stop.”
Tonight, as I was getting ready for bed, my thoughts started running away with me. I started thinking of how a grown, Christian, man could completely un-father his child and walk around with his head up every day. I started thinking how can this individual be so cold-hearted and evil to come into my life once more with no true intentions of loving me right or even the very minimum-being honest; turn my world upside down and just exit. No goodbye. No remorse. No contact with our son. No help picking up the pieces. No plan as to help preparing for our newborn…Nothing.
I started wondering how any woman would be OK with being with this kind of man. Knowing there is one more child without a father. Knowing that there is a woman, who was played, connived, lied to, cheated on, and betrayed by her husband-PREGNANT with his child. Knowing there is no contact to check on the woman’s progress, the unborn child’s progress, or the well-being of their one-year old. Knowing that there is a woman out there with a one-year old due to the hands of her cheating, lying husband that doesn’t even have a contact number in case something were to happen to their toddler. However, he makes sure the light shines just right on him as he stands up and sings in church. My thoughts asked me “How do they sleep at night? Or do they??? How do they get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and not be disgusted with themselves?
I try to imagine Jesus’ hand in their actions, but I just can’t see Him justifying any of it. I know we serve a merciful God who extends extraordinary grace. We all have sinned, but is extraordinary grace not dependent upon our trying to do what’s right?
Here’s the deal:
Over the past few days, I’ve come to KNOW that God is on MY side. It does not matter who has a team against me. It does not matter what it may look like. It may seem like I’m running behind in the race, but, many who are LAST will be FIRST. The way I look at it is the more fighting against me, the bigger the blessings when it rains. As for my children and I, I keep reminding myself that we will be good. There hasn’t been a single thing in my life that God has not worked out yet. There has been no wrong done, that hasn’t be made right. He is faithful, so I will endure the pain for as long as I need to. He will always see that justice is brought to the deserving one way or the other.
BACK TO MY RANDOM BIBLE STOP TONIGHT:
I stopped in the First Book of Samuel. When I first started reading, I was like, “Now God, I need a word to calm my spirit before I write. This right here seems irrelevant to my current life events.” LOL. I’m so serious. But, as I kept reading on and on through the chapters, I started to understand what was happening. I had already had my AH HA! moment, but then this moved my spirit:
“Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.” 1 Samuel 24:12
“As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Wickedness proceeds from the wicked.’ But my hand shall not be against you.” 1 Samuel 24:13
These verses gave peace to all of my thoughts.
“But he who does wrong will be repaid for what he has done, and there is no partiality.” Colossians 3:25
Until Next Time…
-Alex
