I looked away when I cried. I wouldn’t let my one week old son see my crying. I don’t know why. Maybe I thought he understood.

I didn’t give us enough time, Elijah & I. I didn’t allow him to be the baby long enough. He turned one and I got pregnant three months later. I feel guilty. Why did I do this to my baby? Why did I make him grow up overnight?

I allowed a man who had abandoned us (multiple times) the opportunity to prematurely turn my baby into a young boy. His mommy being pregnant and extremely tired due to being deathly anemic made him miss out on park trips and play times. The moments that should have been spent being my baby were spent tolerating Mommy having a baby…having a baby by a fraud.

Instead of Mommy being able to play and make sure her toddler had the time of his life on his 2nd birthday, it was spent waiting to be discharged from the hospital. I couldn’t play with him. I couldn’t pick him up from school.

He had a cupcake.

And I still haven’t made it up to him yet. There’s always a baby in my arms. I try my very best to be everything that I can to my little boy. I spread myself thin every single day to make sure that I give him my attention. Most days I don’t think I do a very good job. Most days I do. I just want to make him happy.

He loves his little sister. He has now started rubbing her hair and her back. I wish I would have given him more of me before I had to share my love.

And as far as the things my children’s father stole from me – my joy, my kids having a family, my livelihood… he can keep it.

I thank God trouble doesn’t last always.

Until Next Time…

-Alex