With a little over 30 days left of pregnancy, I find myself beyond breakdown, break something frustrated at least twice a week.

It’s a given that this pregnancy is far different from my last from emotions to the physical. Truth is, I’m just…tired. The reality is…I can’t catch a break.

I find myself wondering if and when I will be able to gain rejuvenation. That alone, drains me. Then, I find myself thinking about how I planned to have a family with someone NOT knowing that they KNOWINGLY already had a family. I find myself going over and over in my head about when I’m going to forget what happened. Then I think to myself- I won’t.

All the forgiving and healing in the world, can never make me forget ever ounce of every detail that got me to where I am.

I wish I had paid closer attention to detail. I wish I had used discernment. I spent a lot of breath telling the person that broke my heart, that he was breaking my heart, before he broke my heart.

I spent a lot of breath telling the person that ended up being no one more than the other half of DNA that make my children that he wasn’t my God-sent.

I spent a lot of breath telling the person who I can’t list as an emergency contact for our child because I don’t have his phone number that I believed in him, that his flaws didn’t define who he was, that he would win no matter what he was going through, and that it wasn’t too late for God to move supernaturally in all the areas he desired.

The fact that I could speak the truth out of my mouth over what I still chose to believe in my heart, leaves me disappointed in myself- as a woman, as a daughter, mostly as a mother.

I owe my children every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears that it’s going to take so that they don’t EVER feel any lack for the decisions I’ve made. I’m forever indebted to them. The only thing I’ve thought of consistently since I’ve been pregnant, with knowledge of the truth, is ways to generate more income after I give birth to my daughter.

At the end of a long, exhausting day I know that sooner than later everything is going to be alright. I may breakdown and cry in the privacy of my home some days but I thank God for his favor and mercy. I’m praying that He helps me to forgive MYSELF. I’m confident that one day I will. I just want to hear God say, “Job Well Done.”

Until Next Time…

-Alex